I believe one of the greatest challenges we face in our relationships—and perhaps in the world—is our difficulty truly understanding another person’s point of view.
Think about an argument with someone you love. We walk away hurt, angry, or frustrated, thinking, “Why do they always do this?” Before long, we may start explaining the other person to ourselves: She’s crazy. He’s a narcissist. They’re impossible. They’re just being reactive.
Sometimes we become so focused on figuring out what is “wrong” with the other person that we stop being curious about what they are actually experiencing.
And that is often where connection begins to break down.
When someone sees a situation differently from us, our natural tendency may be to defend our own version of events. We dismiss their feelings because they don't make sense from where we are standing. We may see their reaction as exaggerated, irrational, or unnecessary.
But from where they are standing, their response may make perfect sense.
This doesn't mean they are right and we are wrong. It doesn't mean we have to agree with them, excuse harmful behavior, or give up our boundaries. Understanding is not the same thing as agreement.
It simply means being willing to become curious.
What are they experiencing right now?
What might they be feeling that I'm not seeing?
What does this situation look like from their side?
When we approach another person with judgment, they usually feel it—even when we don't say it directly. It shows up in our tone, our facial expressions, our body language, and the way we respond. They become defensive. We react to their defensiveness with more frustration. They feel even less understood and become more defensive.
And around we go.
Someone has to interrupt the cycle.
One of the most powerful ways to do that is to move from judgment to curiosity.
Instead of asking, “What is wrong with this person?” we might ask, “What is happening for this person?”
That small shift can fundamentally change a conversation.
Empathy doesn't require us to abandon ourselves. We can understand another person's experience while still honoring our own. We can validate someone's feelings without agreeing with their interpretation. We can have compassion and still maintain boundaries.
Two people can experience the same event very differently, and both experiences can be real.
Perhaps the goal of difficult conversations shouldn't always be to determine who is right.
Sometimes the more meaningful question is:
Can I understand you, even when I don't agree with you?
That willingness—to listen before diagnosing, to become curious before judging, and to understand before trying to be understood—is where genuine human connection begins.